The independent Bear Complaints Commission has found that there is no evidence that bears are guilty of shitting in the woods.
The misconduct watchdog, made up exclusively of bears, has been investigating allegations that bears have been excreting in forested areas for a number of years. Complaints from members of the public about the smell and sticky texture of bear droppings have been flooding in for the last few decades.
Bruno the bear, chairbear of the commission, stated: “Bears have a very difficult job to do in areas with a lot of arboreal growth. There is a common public misconception, exacerbated by Hollywood films such as ‘The Jungle Book’, that the bare necessities of life are easily available to bruins at large. Nothing could be further from the truth. While bears may face real challenges with continence in rural areas they are dedicated to the highest standards of beardom.”
Bruno added that bear behaviour in woods has been exemplary and that bear training is of such a high standard that bears would “…never be caught shitting in the woods…” and added, gruffly, “…if you go down to the woods today, you’ll never believe your eyes. In fact, if you go down to the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise!”
Claims that the misconduct group is biased as it is made up entirely by bears are ‘unfounded, wild and baseless allegations’ says the watchdog.